.of invisible invasion, reclusive sentinent and randomized wandering

It has been a month.

The worst I thought of 2020 would be the handover of the organization to the new HQ. I expected revisions on job scope, employee benefits, contracts and what not. Never I thought that I would be confined, even more incapacious than the confinement period itself.

All plans ditched and dumped. And the prime concern now is to adapt.

I left four write-ups on draft last year. And there was no welcoming post for 2020. I guess this year is just a grim year, conflicting of our presumptions on Malaysian Ideals of Wawasan 2020, and even with the excitement of what this year may go around – my first born started school, the birth of another young, and my daddy retiring in October – I honestly had poor expectations of what may come around (given that there is no flying cars just yet).

And now, the infamous Covid-19.

I think it is real that my mind now is like a browser window with 17 tabs on, in which 3 of them frozed, and I do not know where the music comes from.

My house systematic order is currently disrupted. I lost my entire authority on kitchen inventory and laundry. I lost my authority on my own ibadah as well. I left 43 items on my Shopee cart. Sorry – 44 items, just added one more. I had irregular contractions all day long, disrupting emotional state and my baby nesting enthusiasms. I found my self on pins and needles for the next ten days – the pay day. And back-to-school thoughts? Well I guess it is on one of the frozen tabs, with music on it playing Space Oddity the Mitty version.

Then I am having an unceasingly intense interest on post-covid impressions. So Al pushes me to propose research idea for post-covid short term grant (yes, I am married to an opportunist). I also particularly intrigued by Trump, Bolsonaro, and Lukashenko – of their cognition and dogma, and maybe idiocy.

So maybe, with just another day left – or maybe another week before the baby is born, and just in time for Ramadan – I could get both of my feet on the ground. The goals include minimizing fabric for me and the girls, setting up Ramadan nook for teraweh and ittikaf, reorganizing library to have extra space for working from home, and to loose 10kilos of baby weight (ambitious? no, this is due until December). Given the current circumstances, I also set the least expectations for Eid. Yeah, maybe I will try to work on some nasi impit, kuah kacang and rendang  just to keep the merriment going. But that would be just it. Believe me, just put on a new perspective, and make this year celebration as the most special Eid ever.


f/n: Professor Lupin is my all time favorite Harry Potter character. Wish of the day; IKEA.

.the four even strokes

Paradiddle, reverberating.

Just another few days before Rejab.



.of hopeless emptiness and getting better at lying

There are days that I am struggling to articulate and verbalize my own reasoning. There are moments when I am distressed, withholding revere towards those I love – not that I am conceited – but more of terrified that it may be excruciatingly pointless. And I am well assured it won’t be pointless.

I can feel that I am ingrained, meandering through an unsurprising, definite path. I wish I can get myself off the gyration, enthusiastically leaping into the pursuit of bewildering repute. I have dreams, and as opposed to societal conviction of signing away for those next in line (or anybody else seems much more important), I want them in it. I want them to be the essential capacity of my dreams, accomplished.

Realignment, as what people we said.

But it is all formidable being known as an excellent planner, but a very primitive executor. I guess this was the main determinant of all sudden and mortifying disappointments in my immediate past, and even after years, I still have no idea how to tame it.

I must say that now, everything is in vain. And to satisfy myself, I need time. Suddenly time ticks so fast I wished I could slow it down. I don’t think I have much allotted span left. I must execute. I must calling the shots, every time. I cannot ceased to retain another second, abusing it with wrath and rage. I must regain composure, get a grip and start enkindling happiness.

Wish of the day: Beach.