.of hanging on and be all ears

While I think it is remarkable how my brain processes complex information and coordinates all senses and physique to combat, feat, and accomplished, I somehow want it to stop.

Just stop.

I don’t know which one is more exhausted than the other; the brain or the body. But I ended up filling my tummy with distress and sadness, adding up the figures on both measuring tape and bathroom scale. I can actually feel the load as I climb the stairs.

“It was like when you make a move in chess and just as you take your finger off the piece, you see the mistake you’ve made, and there’s this panic because you don’t know yet the scale of disaster you’ve left yourself open to.” — Kazuo Ishiguro, Never Let Me Go

F/n: #prayforPasirGudang. May the toxic fume wiped away once and for all.


.the four even strokes

Paradiddle, reverberating.

Just another few days before Rejab.



.of hopeless emptiness and getting better at lying

There are days that I am struggling to articulate and verbalize my own reasoning. There are moments when I am distressed, withholding revere towards those I love – not that I am conceited – but more of terrified that it may be excruciatingly pointless. And I am well assured it won’t be pointless.

I can feel that I am ingrained, meandering through an unsurprising, definite path. I wish I can get myself off the gyration, enthusiastically leaping into the pursuit of bewildering repute. I have dreams, and as opposed to societal conviction of signing away for those next in line (or anybody else seems much more important), I want them in it. I want them to be the essential capacity of my dreams, accomplished.

Realignment, as what people we said.

But it is all formidable being known as an excellent planner, but a very primitive executor. I guess this was the main determinant of all sudden and mortifying disappointments in my immediate past, and even after years, I still have no idea how to tame it.

I must say that now, everything is in vain. And to satisfy myself, I need time. Suddenly time ticks so fast I wished I could slow it down. I don’t think I have much allotted span left. I must execute. I must calling the shots, every time. I cannot ceased to retain another second, abusing it with wrath and rage. I must regain composure, get a grip and start enkindling happiness.

Wish of the day: Beach.