.I collected a little more of my scattered wits

Oh I most hated the moment in between consciousness before I entirely fell asleep. It is the most vulnerable moment of myself when I have thoughts visions of things that scare me the most. I think if you read through my entire blog, you’d recognized at least one of my many fears.

I have a lot in my mind right now as I am writing this. But my concern goes to the plunged SUV over the Penang bridge. The sky and ocean always terrify me. We human, we live in between. Those two are out of our world.

And it’s funny that of all places, I love airports and beaches the most.


f/n: people get arrested in Singapore last year for violating their flight tickets to get into the airport transit areas, oh that area is the best! And it’s Changi fgs (as heard on Gold905; news here).

Current read: Great Expectations.

Wish of the day: Great coffee.


.What happened before 2019?

I think the most difficult part of failure is not the failure at all. It is to acknowledge our limited power that breaks us the most. There comes a realization that we don’t share each other dreams, and sometimes, it takes a lot to find values in a relationship tarnished and biased with standards, hierarchy, and things that look good. 

Well, we usually give a little less attention to people that have a little less of something.

2018 was not entirely invisible. It was the year that marked my personal battle against the acknowledgment of own failure. I was denial. Maybe a bit delusional, and sometimes lost. I was influenced badly, mistreated and misled. I planted new ideas which bloomed artificially.

You know that God makes each of us unique. We are here in this world with specific responsibilities. It is not all of us were born to teach kids manners and ABCs. Not every one of us were born to heal people. Not all of us meant to be millionaires. Not all of us are great scholars and win the Nobel Prize. Only few of us use their bare hands constructing skyscrapers.

I mean, we live our own purpose. One that satisfies us.

.Will you please wish us happiness forever

I was deep into my thoughts when this song was on aired. It traveled me to 1950s in reference to Forest Gump, October Sky, and Jersey Boys. Until I realized that I had never lived that era.

It snapped, and brought me back to now.

There is a weird feeling of having sitting for a desk job, eight to five that I cannot get a hold of it. It is some sort of stress but happiness because you keep yourself busy and it comes out productive. Sometimes it is like loneliness but chaotic and you wish your gang of onions would be there during lunch time – but there is no lunch time. There are only breaks, and you are broken because you never get the satisfaction of having cendol when the sun burns your cheeks blushed.

At this point; everything seems pointless and makes me feel I am no good at any thing.

I wear the same pieces everyday.

I talk less because there is not much things to say.

Two pairs of shoes given by the company are my current best temporary possessions. (In other words, I need a new pair but it seems… bluerrgh)

I am usually offline, more like an internet detoxification.

My eyes avoid social interactions online, even at home.

I value teh tarik so much than ever.

I have nothing I really want except a bitch beach-happy vacation.

In overall, yeah I need to pick myself up. Slimming off a bit, put positive figures on my account statement, entitled to a half million life insurance, eat happy, sleep deeper.

I could not believe that I skipped the whole 2018. It is like the year had been invisible.

Hell, yeah. Let us begin with the 2019 target achievement list (yes, after two weeks exactly!);

    A book a week for Q and T weekly reading.
    10kg lighter.
    RM10k richer.
    Revised insurance policy for kids and husband.
    Kitchen cabinet.
    Creative business up and running.