“Manusia itu kejam. Hanya iman yang menjadikan manusia itu insan.” — me, ODOJ31.
this is the sound of my voice, not talking.
Heart, be strong — Allah is the most forgiving. He is trying to ease your burden. He is ceasing your blunders. He is yearning for your prayers. He is proving your imaan.
Most importantly, He is creating a better you.
“The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.” ― Mark Twain
I do not have fast recovery.
At times, I am filled with fear of myself forever not be recovered.
For the most part of these after-birth days, I feel like I’d give up. But the memory of how she fought for air and warmth on my tummy – with her almost blue, slippy skin – blows off some sort of strength, a will for me to get going.
I remember feeling lonely. I remember my every nerves and muscles cramped just to get away of the 3 mins intense contraction pain. How they settled for a while, and I felt like dreaming, and came again, and again, and again. Then I remember hearing other moms-in-labour reciting zikr to ease the pain, the coaching voices of MOs and nurses, and the high-pitched creak from the newborn. It was beautiful, but for the most part of my memory – traumatic.
When they sent me to OR, I saw my mom and my husband. I thought to say something, but I was too weak to speak. I was not sure of my own condition. I felt pain, light-headed, exhausted, pretty much everything unpleasant. I wondered I might have a baby in between my legs but, no. There were only blankets soaked with blood. When they were putting me into anesthetic, I remember one of the OR crews smiled and said, “Rest. Don’t you worry. Everything’s going to be fine.”
I thought I lost my life that night.
I remember they explained a lot. Every visit they paid, I remember asking and answering too many questions that sometimes seemed not to make any sense. I remember they held my hands and said things I would like to remember for the rest of my life. Things like, “You just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Be strong. Eat well. And live life for her.”
Alhamdulillah :)
Just another classic story of complicated birth.
“My concern is not whether God is on our side; my greatest concern is to be on God’s side, for God is always right.” — Abraham Lincoln
Really, what is wrong in the effort to infaq – the power, the energy, the wealth, and time – for the hope? Next question comes is, hope of what? Betterment, maybe. A future that really weighed on the People, I guess. But the real thing of what we are fighting for is; the succession of Islamic prevalence, the revolution of ummah. Revolution could be such a strong word, but what word would actually describe the fall of those lost, and the rise of those saved? In which generation I am classified into; the one building changes, or the one preserves it? Or should we be among the lost?
I started to write this long before the polling day. I was early, lined up with only about twenty young voters in front of me, with a heart full of hope; hoped that what I’d do will turn out to be an effort for a better future of this beloved land. A tiny little effort that could change everything. One vote, that defines it all. I wasn’t really slept well the night before – not of the excitement – but more of what the future holds.
For the betterment of ummah, for the succession of Islamic reign, for a greater future of the People, for the next generation to have what we had and preserve it. May this vote returns us its many favours; the best for the People, the best for Islam, the best for us all. May with it comes a land, an ummah; with promised recurrence of Daulah Islamiyah. Allahu Allah!
It was a hope, now brought to death.
For nothing have a slight change; except for all hatred, reforms, anger.
Allah.
I have been on diet for about a week. And I shed off two inches of my waist circumference.
Congratulation.
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There are anger and rage, layered in between moods. I might have laugh of a good joke, but I could feel ache inside me, burnt and swollen. Sometimes I wonder, marvelling around what’s best and what should be deferred, trying to make everyone happy, or at least most of them glad.
I don’t have enough. And I can never be perfect for everyone.
I changed, in a way I could never imagine. I stumbled, a lot, literally. I fell. I keep losing things. I burnt my fingers. And I actually wonder where my mind at is? Here, I’d like to ideate myself as the fragments loss off of a puzzle. You could never put it back into place. The puzzle could never be solved.
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It’s not feelings that drive love or marriage. It is decisions, choices, and priorities.
I want a home, a life with a man I’m in love with, a family that brings us world and hereafter. I want a marriage, NOT A WEDDING.
“If you have a kite, then fly it. What starts out low can end up high.” — Virginia Wolf, by Kyo and Issabelle.
The worries, the fear of falling, hurled everywhere equidistant against the fourth dimension. i don’t really know what struck me to the infinite definition of believe and hope, but i do acknowledged its probable recurrences, every time, every time i’m looking for something to hold on to. the warmth of your company, the softness in your tone of voice, the look from your eyes. there’re always evidence, an apparent confide, keep in between us. it is like you’re trying to make me stay, with bountiful of spaces and time, saying, “Please don’t go. Please wait.”
you know, it hurts.
to understand that you need me, but you want me to walk alone. to know that you care, but you just let me go. to see you happy, making me happy, but your heart is nowhere could i find it. to put smiles on your face, knowing i’m the reason, but then having those hard look of yours, like trying to get off of my mind. you, and your hurtful jokes, but keep on reminding me not to take it seriously. i could feel how much you love me despite of you constantly pushing me away. i know you’re afraid, but it does hurt. badly.
O dream-maker 